It starts with my new years resolutions. As I crawl from the remains of 2013 I know I want 2014 to be decisive and positive: I want no more of that sense of trying and trying and getting nowhere, of wading through tar or of being held back by an opponent I cannot contend with. I want ‘new’. I want to engage. I want to do that thing I’ve always wanted to do: to disappear to a new life. And, to know what it means to take up that romantic notion.
I make a list: not of resolutions but of things I’d like to do. At the top, as an almost throw-away note, I write “intercontinental traveller” then follow with more earnest speculations about what I really what I can do with my life’s options… Not a single other resolution or idea sings the way that “intercontinental traveller” resonates.
I put my list aside and carry on with the beginning of the year.
Prior to my moment of clarity and some six months or so previously I’d had a similar such thought. Only this one had me think ‘you’re not meant to be here.’ Like the pages of my storybook had stuck together and the heroine had missed something: she didn’t go to the ball, she didn’t let down her long blonde hair and she never asked the wicked witch to give her a life away from the ocean.
Some days later, it really starts. That is: my path to embracing and becoming an ‘intercontinental traveller’ and ‘citizen of the world.’ This new beginning starts with a moment of crystal clarity: I am as free as a bird, nothing is holding me here, I can go where I want. In that moment in my rented room in Walthamstow, I see the time is now. This is the time I’ve been waiting for – if waiting is the right word. This is not about running away from an unfixable situation; instead, I’m moving towards an alternative future. I’m starting again, with a wealth of experience and jaded cynicism stuffed into my hand-luggage for support.
Madness, perhaps, is what speaks; but, this is how I’ve steered myself to this point. A single hair-brain spur of the moment idea is easy enough. It’s an impulse, after all; desires become reality when you assert will to the situation. Well. I’ve applied will. And, I’ve applied for my Indian visa and I’ve had it granted. I’ve paid for the course I’ve decided is the best to do. I’ve booked my Emirates ticket to Cochin. I’ve been innoculated. I’ve given up my place in London. I’ve turned down the offer of 6 months work. I’ve told my parents. I have announced the fact on Facebook. I have said farewell to friends. I am committed.
Now, I’m planning to not be in England and I’ve no idea where my future lies. But, since I’ve always had the want to leave; to pick up the silk curtain between here and there it’s almost time to do it.